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Self Made

from An Ugly Equal Family by PWRUP

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Everyone I know has
some reason to hate themselves
A reason to debase themselves
A reason not to get out of bed
(But we do) x4
Even though sometimes we wish we were dead
And I know I know
We all have thoughts of suicide
And I know I know
We all keep choosing to survive
Live or die, give up or try
Decisions that no one is able to make except for you

The choices we’ve made survive us
We mustn’t forget what we’ll leave behind us

There is no simple way to stop the sadness
We all just teeter on the edge of madness
Looking for different ways to subvert pain
Until we’re able to feel good again
But when happiness takes too long to come
Sinking feeling of despair growing just too strong
The past a monster that you can’t outrace
Mirror’s reflection shows a stranger’s face

I never wanted to feel this way again
Never wanted to disappoint my friends
I want to thrive, not just survive
But I have sure taken my time
Realizing bad decisions
Consequences always building
By the time you realize you won’t change
You’ve become everything you hate

The choices we make define us
We mustn’t forget that the past is behind us

I don’t really want to die
I want to (want to) be alive
I want to feel the same way
I used to feel every day
So much potential, so much road ahead of me
But then I tripped, fell down, and got back up again
Fell down and got back up again
Tripped, fell down, and got back up again
Fell down and got back up again
Fell down, stayed down
Watched everyone pass as I laid on the ground
And now I’ve been here for so long

The choices we make confine us
The passage of time is what resigns us

If life is a game I feel I’ve already lost
But nothing is gained if I give the board a toss
There are plenty of reasons to play other than win
At least that’s what I’m selling myself


from An Ugly Equal Family, released December 13, 2018


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PWRUP Agawam, Massachusetts

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